How Quickly It Changes

I find it very surprising how quickly my mood can change. My girlfriend would say it's the effect of changing barometric pressure, perhaps she's right but I'm not so sure things can be explained away so easily.

Thursday seemed all good but I came home early from Ubering because I was very close to falling asleep; I went to bed and was out almost instantly. I don't recall Friday being bad during the day but I wanted to take an uncharacteristic nap before going out. When I woke up, I felt awful and I did not want to start driving. But I did it anyways, it was raining when I left for work and it rained consistently the whole time I was out there, from 8PM to 2:30AM. I'm not used to such heavy rain but I seem to drive fine in it, despite repeatedly not being able to see very well from all the drops that collect before the windshield wipers on the fastest speed can push them away. If I didn't have to make my car payment this Wednesday, I probably would have just said fuck it to this week, or at least to Friday night.

As I drove, I started to feel very hopeless. It wasn't so much the passengers and their inane chatter or their Friday night mentalities or even the luxury apartments, I was too focused on the rain for any of that to matter. My mind simply started going to every dark corner that I know. The thoughts of being stuck in this Uber job. The knowledge that if I do ever get a paycheck job it will be garnished for tax liens and withholding, an unfortunate and possibly life running side effect of being asked to take over my parent's businesses, at least on paper. It made me feel trapped going down an inevitable path of destruction that I played no part in; I see myself in handcuffs, being arraigned in court. But maybe, with me in jail, my parents would finally understand the severity of all this, of what they've done to me. I moved away to Massachusetts, in no small part, to try to encourage them to change the way they do things, to try to urge them to be more proactive but I haven't seen anything come of that.

On top of that, I'm scared I won't even be able to pay the taxes of what I do actually owe based on my actual Uber and other passive income earnings.

Perhaps my mind is simply overactive, I don't know. It's hard to tell from the very serious looking letters I get on regular occasions from the Franchise Tax Board or the Employment Development Department. In the view of those departments, I have employees, I have almost fifty thousand in unpaid and unfiled taxes for seven or more years. In reality, I have none of those things. All I did was try to save my family and their businesses, it seemed like it was the only option for us so I did it. I always support my family but, as I get older and more independent, I feel they just used me; not intentionally but merely because they didn't know better and were unable to get helpful advice from a trusted source. And now I'm to pay for their mistakes. Don't get me wrong, they paid as well but this was their doing, their businesses, their debts to pay; I never wanted anything to do with the business because I saw how it destroys people and now I have everything to do with it in only the worst ways.

So much of it is out of my control, or at least it feels that way, so I'd love to just say that I shouldn't take life so serious and let the chips fall rather than worrying about it. But these feel like very serious concerns and a rock/hard place situation, I don't want to harm my parents or our businesses but I want my tax obligations to feel like my own now that I'm mature enough to try and take them on rather than have it offloaded to an accountant with my parents' confusing and convoluted obligations. I want to be able to make some sense to my actual financial situation and the liabilities therein.

I've searched locally for some sort of free tax advocate, I worry my issue is far too complicated but it can't hurt to at least talk to someone knowledgeable. They can help me prepare for my white jumpsuit.